Frequently Asked Questions about Relationships

Verses on Friendship - 1 Sam. 18:1-4; Prov. 17:9, 17; 18:24; 27:6, 9-10, 17; Eccl. 4:9-12; Amos 3:3; John 15:13

How can a woman, who has been abused, feel safe enough around a man to marry him in the first place?
First of all, even in my own marriage, I trust God in my wife more that I trust my wife. If he is a spiritual man, trust the Lord in him. The second way to trust a man is through experience. You will have to spend time with him to gain this experience. I suggest you say to him, "Before I go out with you there is something I have to explain to you." Then explain to him that you have had traumatic experiences in your past and have trouble trusting people. If he doesn't want to deal with that, then you don't need him. If he is willing to work with you on this, he is probably worth going out with. Tell him you would rather drive separately if you don't want to ride in his car at first. Ask him for his patience with you. Have him ask what your comfort zone is and tell him signs that would let him know when he has crossed your comfort zone. The key to reducing your stress and still pursue a relationship is to be open, honest and communicate. Let him know what your comfort zone is and when he has violated it. Ask him if he is willing to date on your terms until trust is established.

How do I respond when someone does not believe I have been abused?

First off we have to remember that we are to please and obey God and not men (Acts 5:29). God knows that you have been abused. That is what is important. People feel rejected, feel belittled, and feel that they are being called a liar when someone does not believe them. People also feel hurt when they are not believed. If God knows the truth, it does not change anything when someone else does not believe you. Jesus is the truth and yet not everyone believed Him. Does someone have to believe you for it to be true? Someone else’s belief or disbelief does not change the truth nor who you are in Christ.

Sometimes a person will choose not to believe you because of all the implications and hurts that will arise from believing a loved one would do such a thing. Also read the section on “Dealing with Rejection” in Hope for the Brokenhearted pages 169-171.

How do you meet your need for friendship or intimacy when you don't trust people and don't want people to get close?

I have learned to trust Christ in my wife more than I trust my wife. I have to do that for myself too because of the sin nature. I also have to trust that God will take care of me no matter what others do to me. The Romans 8:28 principle. What I mean by trusting God in people is that when a person is walking with God, reading their Bible, and praying daily that God will keep their sin nature in check. I know the difference in my life when I am walking with God. I know that God makes the same difference in someone else's life too. So when I see a person having a close relationship with God, I trust them more because of the difference I know God is making in their life. A person who is not walking with God does not have the controlling power of the Holy Spirit working in them. That person is walking in the flesh, i.e. sin nature.

Another thing you can do is pray that God will give you a kindred friend. With that friend, determine to trust them or give them the benefit of the doubt until they have hurt you. Don’t push them away before they hurt you or in fear of them hurting you.

What is the difference between infatuation, lust, and love?

There is no respect with lust. Lust sees what it can get from the other person. Infatuation is being in love with the emotion of being in love or being loved. Love seeks the highest good for the other person. Godly love does not use people.